There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
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