and she was petting her beer can
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Randomize
