if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
