You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Randomize
