I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Randomize
