So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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