She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
