On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Randomize
