Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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