that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Randomize
