her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
