I feel great
I just peed on a car
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Randomize
