oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Randomize
