Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
Randomize