i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
not ubering you a puppy
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
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