There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
