oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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