I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
