we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
