I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
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