My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
He? As in you personified your dick?
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
