I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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