Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
