You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
