Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
