just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
