After last night, I could never be a politician.
Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
