Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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