Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
