just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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