The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
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