After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
