god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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