I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
I got inside last night via doggy door
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Randomize
