went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
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