I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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