My liver just broke up with me...
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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