whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
