How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Randomize
