No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Randomize
