Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize