i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
