I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Watching her eat just hurts me
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
