Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
