I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
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