so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Randomize
