my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
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