Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
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