ya dads aren't the best wingmen
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Randomize
