The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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