last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
