And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize