i just wanna soil my oats bro
He had some BAD nuttage
Nuttage?
It's like cleavage......... but different
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
