May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
