I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
