remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I can't turn off my feet"
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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