i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
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