there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Randomize
