At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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