I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
