It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize
