I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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