He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
