hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
