So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Floor bacon is actually really good
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
