Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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