Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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